sometimes people have bad days.
sometimes people have bad weeks.
it seems that i am having a bad year
and it had started out so well...
seeing as october marks the the month in which this bad year began it's
cycle, i feel that i can safely say that this bad year can't get any
worse--because technically it's over.
this year i have seen histories end, marriages flounder, ambitions wilt, fireworks settle and bureaucracy's impatience. instead of discussing, in detail, the intricacies of any misfortunes, i will provide the following observations, resolutions and platitudes.
so i hear death occurs in threes, well, so do dramatic life changes. i feel that dramatic changes in your life or the lives of those around you are, in their own way, a little death (and by that i don't mean the japanese euphemism for orgasm--wait, is that japanese?). these changes mark the end of one thing and the beginning of another and you can't go back--if someone goes back after making a dramatic change they impose on themselves a sense of failure. i've tried to go back on things in my life. i've ruined them. i don't have a positive example of a personal rehash that has blossomed into anything worthy of a bouquet. i've seen other people go back, stick it out despite the bitterness and the doubt, and i have seen them TRY, but i also have felt the absence of warmth that comes with that effort.
i don't want to go back. i know what it feels like back there. i know the chill i left in my wake, i know the reasons why i left in the first place. this place, for me, is not a physical realm, it is not a relationship or zip code or even an emotional state. it is social serfdom, it is feeling that no matter what you say you cannot please everyone, it is adjusting yourself constantly in an effort to do just that.
yesterday a switch flipped. i am done catering to the ideologies, the linguistic limitations, the bigotries and narrows and the herd mentality.
i'm cutting people off from me. i used to write in this blog as a way for me to give something to myself that others could merely observe. i stopped. now i'm starting again. this is a small gift to myself. this is not for you. this is mine.
if you start to feel sorry for me just tell yourself that i probably think you're an asshole.
i was on a path once. it is hard to reconcile with what the passage of time takes away from you--and i'm not even 30. well, now i'm on a path again. some people don't like my path. i'd like to be super cool and say that i don't care what other people think. i do care what other people think. it is a burden to care so much about other people and their ideas. however, my concern with others has interfered with my life. if the journey is the destination then this place sucks.
in some ways i am very mature--in others i am a fucking child.
and so in an effort, this effort, i am taking back something that i love. saying whatever i want without worry. sometimes this will be cute, sometimes this will be mean, sometimes this will be stream of consciousness, but regardless of it's form. it will be mine.
