take flight

i recently took a trip to new hampshire...or what the locals call "the seacoast".

my flight left a few days after christmas. i packed one large suitcase because i really hate carry-ons since it means there's shit i have to carry. i usually pack one suitcase and just my purse.

i arrived early and while printing my boarding pass the attendant informed me that my bag was six pounds overweight. i could either take out six pounds or pay 50$. so i pulled my bag aside and opened 'er up.

i was in the middle of the airport struggling with my suitcase zipper in which a brand new pair of blue lace panties had become lodged. i was trying to be delicate but my pretty striped scarf had slipped and was now stuck in the zipper as well. flustered and pissed i finally ripped 'em out, cursing the airlines stupid bag/weight requirment and scaring an elderly asian couple.

once open i had some options. six pounds...well, a few things were for certain...the 2ft long 3lbs molinari salami was just gonna have to stay in the bag...and the 2lbs of brussels sprouts i was smuggling, well they would have to stay too.

the 2lbs of hiking boots...on my feet they went. favorite black cardigan went on over my t-shirt. then the knit duster over the cardigan. then giant puffy blue down jacket over duster. pink and yellow snow gloves i borrowed from my sister went onto my hands. mustard crochet hat upon my head and my purse stuffed to the brim with socks, books, tampons and fudge...i zipped the bag back up.

it was still a 1lb over, but i looked so fucking ridiculous she let it slide.

and...

im pretty sure the couple behind me in security hated my guts.

HA

dear old bitch at table 13,

remember when you walked into the restaurant at 5:30 and demanded a table for eight people? how the rest of your party finally arrived at 7:00? and how, despite the fact that we don't take reservations, we held the table for you?

remember how you mentioned to the three ladies you were waiting with that you wanted to order an appetizer and how i overheard you and brought a complimentary bruschetta?

remember how all of your food came out perfectly timed; how each item (with some sort of fucking addendum attached) was served as specified?

remember how nice the evening was and how polite i was towards you and your party?

and then remember how your friend asked for dessert and i kindly noted that we did not serve dessert? did you notice the window when you walked in that said the restaurant was over a hundred years old and has never served dessert?

did you bother to look at the menu that kindly asked patrons to limit the number of credit cards to two per check?

did you think i was out to get you when you screamed at me "WELL THEN YOU HAVE TO BRING US TWO CHECKS I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU HAVE ALL THESE RULES!! WHAT KIND OF RESTAURANT IS THIS!!!!!!"?

...i just asked if it was possible to not split the bill on four separate cards. my mistake, see, i had assumed that you were dining with friends. apparently that was not the case. whoops.

i have never spoken to anyone with the amount of disrespect you showed me.

were you having a hot flash?

seeing as you took up half of my section the entire night the 14% tip you left on $300 would have seemed paltry and i suppose it's your own fault that you didn't look at the bill and see the large disclaimer

"17% GRATUITY (already) INCLUDED" with a big arrow pointing to the total and a smiley face

:)

thanks for making my night, cunt.

sincerely,

your waitress

alive

yes i am.

sorta.

4:40am is not a bedtime.

this is a time when santa comes.

ha.

panocha

i speak three languages, one properly and two quite badly.

in fact, you could say i only speak one language.

the other two i mime and punctuate with dirty words and hand gestures.

there is one word ive embraced lately and that word is "panocha"

it means pussy in spanish slang

the reason is has become so pervasive in my lexicon is that i work with a lot of fungi

predominately porcini mushrooms and truffle oil.

todays appetizer smelled like underwear, clean and fresh at first

then, as the day wore on, it became increasingly pungent and heavy

combine that with an anchovy pizza and you've got the equivalent of a private room at the o'farrell theater dancing in you nostrils.

i wanna work at jamba juice

.

plated

so the other day i had a table of regulars who come in about twice a week for my super awesome roman style pizza at my slow food day job.

have you ever seen that bone china that is slanted and you can't quite tell is its a diamond shape or and fucked up square? well those are the plates i have at work.

these particular plates are rather difficult to get onto a square table unless you know how to line them up just right.

so i managed to get four plates and two round pizzas on one table and my regulars were impressed.

i responded to their compliments by commenting that "my attention to symmetry is unparalleled"

hahahahahahahahahaha

no one appreciates puns anymore

a broad

so i have manage to finagle my way into a trip to scotland with my boyfriends family

technically i was invited by his father.

i have never spent a pound in my life and am quite looking forward to it.

i've got all my shifts covered and have worked extra for the last few weeks to cover myself.

i dropped a grand on a ticket this morning.

after a long day at work i stopped by the bar across the street for a shot and a beer.

the guy from the local beer distributor was drinking there and bought me my shot of jameson

the the bartender asked me to call the card on the PBR cap.

i said 7 of clubs...i was right...i got a free beer.

in terms of being an over-qualified waitress...it's been a good day.

oi.

i have a new box

its a bigger box with a kitchen...

something that my previous box lacked--it also has a living room.

i fucking love it.

its $1200 a month...its not cheap...

but when people ask me if it's cheaper than my old place i respond

"you know how at the grocery store you can look at the shelf and it tells you the price of the item...and then it tells you the price per ounce?

well...its a better price per ounce."